Dear Prime Minister Manmohan Singh/ Atal Bihari Vajpayee /Narasimha Rao/Rajiv Gandhi,
Pakistan strongly condemns/is shocked by /is pleasantly surprised with the success of our "freedom fighters" in the loss of dozens/hundreds/thousands/millions of innocent lives in the bomb blasts/sniper attack/hijacking /religious riots/other disaster that occurred in a busy MUMBAI marketplace/ train/housing colony /Indian parliament building/temple //Kashmir /Assam/Punjab/ Gujarat / MUMBAI\Other.
The Pakistani citizens/soldiers/"freedom fighters" / "friendship agents"/students who were caught red-handed /found dead at the scene of the crime/convicted of the crime are actually undercover Indian/American/ Israeli agents. Any Pakistanis proven to be guilty of terrorism will be rewarded handsomely /dealt with severely/promoted to Lt. Colonel/given a new Indian passport and sent back to India /handed over to the Americans as proof of our commitment in the war on terror.
There are no Pakistani army-funded training camps /terrorist camps/ madrasaas in Azad Kashmir/Afghanistan/ Nepal /Bangladesh . The satellite images/photographs/eyewitness accounts/videotaped confessions obtained by the Indians is fraudulent/ fake/ inconclusive/are actually from Indian terrorist camps and is part of a larger RAW/ CIA/Mossad conspiracy to destabilize the Pakistani government by stalling democracy /encouraging sectarian violence/undermining Pakistani institutions/ causing the next military coup in Pakistan . A destabilized Pakistani government/mafia could cause Pakistan to become a dangerous nuclear Wal-Mart/Target/Seven-Eleven and a terrorist breeding ground/university/research lab that would be worse for the world.
We hope this will not derail the peace process started with the recent India-Pakistan cricket series / Lahore bus yatra/ Muzafarabad-Srinagar road opening /Bollywood peace concert/open borders initiative/other confidence-building measures . We look forward to justifying further attacks against innocent civilians /resolving the core issue of Kashmir / developing best-of-breed plausible deniability defenses.
We stand by/are plotting against our Indian brethren in their hour/ days /years/decades of pain.
Signed,
Asif Ali Zardari.
President, Pakistan/ Chief Operating Officer, Taliban Inc./General, Pakistani Army
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